The "D" word!!

     Over 55% of all marriages in today's world end in divorce. But why?

     Is the sanctity of marriage dead? Have people simply given up on one another? Is it a problem of sorting priorities, focus, and finances? Have we become a people aroused by hate, lies, and infidelity?
The truth of the matter, may be startlingly easy to solve!

     I, myself, being only 24 years old have had very little experience with marriage. Though I am a married man, I have only been married for going on 4 years now (October 16th) and come from a "broken" home.
My parents divorced when I was in the fifth grade, around 11-12 years of age, and i remember distinctly one thing that was frequent: the "D" word.

     Whenever fights or arguments would arise (especially towards the end of my parents marriage) I very distinctly remember hearing that word more often than not.

Understand me when I say this: This word in itself is dangerous! For any and every married couple that wishes to stay happily together, you NEED TO REMOVE THIS WORD FROM YOUR VOCABULARY.

     From a very young age we are taught the art of lying. How to fib properly, when it's ok, when it's not ok, white lies, omission, and just outright falsehoods. Likewise, we teach ourselves to believe these atrocious claims. When we tell ourselves something over and over again, it becomes truth. If we claim to be sick when we're not, we can "think ourselves" into illness, etc.In the same essence, when we focus on negativity, we become very negative minded. This translates into any and every aspect of our daily lives, especially when it comes to those closest to us ie.) spouses, children, friendships, etc.

     When we speak ill of people or events, it leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Focusing on darkness, leads to darkness. Focusing on pain, causes pain. We have become a lazy people in such a magnitude of ways, one of the deadliest being the power of the tongue. We have such a strong ability to create or destroy, to uplift or bring down, with nothing more than the simple use of words. But words DO hurt and DO cause destruction.

    When facing a maritally detrimental situation trust is shattered, hearts are broken, and the pain seems to never end. So why do we insist on furthering that pain, and neglecting the cure? Why have we simply become too lazy to try?

     Being young and married in today's world really has allowed me to view, not only my marriage, but marriage in general, in an entirely different light. I no longer see "strong" or "weak" marriages. They are alive or they are dead. They are joyful, or they are hopeless. And no one has a single person to blame except themselves. What it boils down to is communication. And not just the ability to communicate with your spouse, but the ability to remove ourselves and look at each situation with perspective and clarity.

    It makes me shutter when I hear couples (especially younger couples) complaining about how their significant-other has "changed." It is nothing short of mind-boggling to see all the whinging, complaining, boo-hooing, about something that should be EXPECTED.

     What would ever make us think that our S/O wouldn't change? When we were 18, we realized how much had changed since we were 16, and we were now different. Same with 20, 21, etc..Every year that passes is 12 more months of change. 12 more months of happiness and struggle. Of hardship and worship. Of regressing and growing. Each and every day, the people we are changes. Everything about us changes! Our experiences, our age, our shape, our size, our income, our outgo, etc. etc. etc. Human beings, by nature, are NOT a stagnant creature! So when you catch yourself complaining that your spouse is "someone else, not who they used to be. Changed. Just, different!" then be sure to remember, neither are you!

     People grow and learn and change at different rates, this is simple human nature. No two people react and grow and learn in the same manner, so it should be very expected, that we will have independent reactions and emotions of one another. When problems in marriage arise, it has now become the "norm" to run away!! Get out while you can! RUN RUN RUN!!! Why do we insist on doing this to ourselves? Why do we insist on furthering the damage to the name of  Marriage!?

     My wife and myself have had these exact same challenges placed before us. As a matter of fact, around 12-16 months ago, we actually sought out marriage counseling in an effort to avoid separation. Things were just bad. The biggest idea that screamed out loud to my heart (among MANY problems that were addressed) was on simple word. The "D" word.

   When a married couple is presented with a challenge, the object and goal should be to complete the task TOGETHER, as a UNIT! Whether it be family struggles, finances, romantic honesty, trust, or any other issue! As a married couple, you are now a UNIT. One single mind, one single household. So many people in today's world are obsessed with being independent. The "You do you, I'll do me" mentality is disgusting! The whole point of marriage is to UNIFY. To take 2 people, that alone can do very little, but together can accomplish the world. When we get married, we don't become two independent people under one roof, we become one FAMILY under that roof. Marriage is all about equality, which means that neither spouse is above the other! Isn't that a concept!? There is no longer mine, there is no longer yours. It is no longer my money, it is our money. It is not my house, it is our house. It is not my child, it is our child. Not my debt, our debt. (you get the idea.) But sadly, this foundational glue of marriage, is becoming less common, and more forgotten.

     Each and every decision made by married couples, should be made TOGETHER. As a married man, it is my duty and my obligation to provide care and safety to my family. If I wish to fulfill that obligation, then I too am obligated to be sure that my wife is involved in all of my decision making. If everything that is yours, is also theirs, then any and every decision you make also affects them and their daily life, so likewise requires their input or insight when it comes to most anything. Both parties in a marriage not only have the right to know where their finances, liabilities, schedules, and responsibilities stand, but have the obligation to keep and be kept in the loop with each other.

    Which brings us to the overall point here. The "D" word!
It is the responsibility and obligation of BOTH the husband and wife to keep a marriage strong and flourishing!! Let me state that again: it is the responsibility and obligation of BOTH the husband and wife to keep a marriage strong and flourishing; never one or the other. Always BOTH!!!
When tempers are flared, and rods are hot for scolding, words fly and feelings get hurt. It is human nature to become retaliatory when we are hurt, but this is an urge that all married couples must fight to keep off the surface. For each and every married couple, Divorce needs to be removed from the vocabulary, and removed from options! Divorce should always be the last resort! Period! Each and every option is always worth exploring before committing yourself to your own destruction.

     When my wife and myself were told this, it was almost like a brand new concept! "Well, why didn't we ever think of that?" we asked each other. But simplicity is the key! To simply continue to search other options, and remove the option of separation! If absolutely necessary, we have a couch I can sleep on. We have a basement I can find alone time in, etc. But we never ever have an excuse to completely and totally exclude each other from what is rightfully BOTH of ours.

   In my young and inexperienced marriage, I have come to find one main idea to ring so very true. That when we remove the option of the "D" word, and implore every other option first, always remaining willing to bend and settle, and willing to fight it through, then you will have a happily, flourishing marriage.

   We all need to understand this before we can ever learn to be happy in marriage: There is no such thing as "easy." No decision is easy, and often, the outcomes can be even more difficult. But as long as we continue to stand together, as ONE, then you will fall to none.

I'm not promising that the "D" won't be brought up, and I'm not promising that this will be easy. But I promise you this, if you look to your spouse with an eager heart, as your equal, if you sincerely give them the honesty, trust, love, and compassion that you yourself require, this will make leaps and bounds of difference in your marriage!

So start today! RIGHT NOW!!! Does your marriage need a little more love? Then REMOVE the "D" word, and start speaking to one another with LOVE and compassion, and as long as you both remain willing, then the rest will fall as it should.


 

What is love?

     Recently I saw a status post on facebook that screamed out loud to me:

'today "till death do we part" really means till the feelings go away.'-Anonymous Poster

     Unfortunately, this couldn't ring truer in today's up-coming adult generation. 

But yet, this statistic is CAUSED and continuously WORSENED by our own

lack of knowledge. No, I am not referring to ignorance; but sheer stupidity. 

     Most all people are deceived into believing that love is an emotion. love is NOT an emotion, it is not something that can be felt, or experienced. It is a DEVOTION. it is the RECOGNITION of our RESPONSIBILITY to one-another, not only as lovers or intimate partners, but as a human race as a whole. We really need to consider what it is we teach our kids about "love" what what that word TRULY means. LOVE is a VERB!! An ACTION!!!

     Humanity, generally speaking, have the least idea of "love" of any creature! Look at ants! Each and every member of the colony devotes their entire life and effort to FEED their queen! (not even themselves!) Bees-same. Many pack animals (elephants, lions, tigers, etc.) also devote their entire "lively-hoods" for the greater good of the CLAN, not themselves. Maybe when people get back to what marriage really is, and get away from the idea of "romance." Candle-lit dinner with wine, and some Marvin gay playing is no scenario for romance! Holding your wife's hand through every tear that YOU CAUSE her, apologizing, and devoting your life to ENSURE happiness, compassion, and longstanding with one-another; ACCEPTING responsibility when you are WRONG, and providing BETTER solutions for when you are RIGHT is a good place to start! 

     Marriage is an life-time commitment. If you are not prepared to spend the rest of your life, FIGHTING to keep the love in your relationship, then you will NOT be blessed enough to maintain it! Period. This is not an opinion  this is a fact. I repeat love is an ACTION not an EMOTION. Learn how to read each-other. It's hard to love, when you have no love to give! So learn your partner! Learn their wants and desires! SPECIFICALLY ASK THEM AND DEFINE what makes them FEEL loved! What ACTION can you take to SHOW them your love more loyally, or more often? this is what our generation needs to seriously begin considering, far before ever hitting their knee! (or their backs, for that matter!)

      Again. These are NOT OPINIONS. THESE ARE FACTS, and anyone whom has ever been through a DIVORCE can attest any (or all) of the above stated "misunderstandings" as the ROOT if not DIRECT cause to their divorce.